I am a responsible person, for the most part. I'm imperfect yet perfectionistic. I am loyal where there is no reciprocity. I'd rather break my own heart than be the cause of someone else's heartbreak. I spend less than I earn and saving is second nature to me. I do my best to speak the truth in love. I know no other way to live that isn't madness. However, the way I live is driving me to lunacy. I must come to know a better way.
The first of the ten (10) commandments the Lord wrote on Moses' stone tablets was, "Thou shalt have no other Gods before me." I never wanted to be a part of Corporate America. I lack the desire and I would like nothing more than to avoid ladder-climbing competition with others. I thought I might someday become a small-time receptionist because my mom worked as one for several years. I honestly thought I would be married by age nineteen or twenty and I would spend my days as a mother and wife. I wanted that life, not this life.
Because "that" life did not happen as I expected it would, I have been given many opportunities. Some I wanted but never expected and some I neither asked for nor thought would ever come to pass. This is the essence of life. Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. With every choice, there comes a consequence. Because I have had to make choices that came in a part of life I never thought I would experience, I don't believe I have done as well as I could have.
I initially moved forward in the single, corporate world I live in only because I thought of it as an investment for the future. Unexpected things happen in life and I could lose my husband (I'm for sure getting one, right?) and find myself in need of supporting myself and a family. I wanted education and experience that would enable me to do so without having to seek out several minimum-wage jobs at once. With that in mind, I took those steps into the corporate world of which I never wanted to be a part.
I am a very dedicated person and I own my responsibilities. I work to accomplish the goal because I have a deep sense of dependability - I don't want to let down those who depend on me to get something done. It is this character trait, probably above all others, that has gotten me to where I am; in both the good sense and bad. I benefit from a secure job in these times of economic hardship, however, I am suffering from a deeper sense of obligation toward my job than to taking care of myself.
This week, I probably put in 50+ hours of work, including at least 7 hours at the office on my usual day off. Two days in a row, I arrived earlier and left later than anyone else in my department. It has gotten to the point where my coworkers tell me when it's time for me to go home; they count down the minutes. I rarely go when the timer is up. This may be small beans compared to others, but I'm my only real competition, so let them do as they will.
I used to think that it all came out in the wash because where I spent a few extra hours here, I would shave off a couple there. I realized last night and today that I have been wrong. I sacrifice more of my personal time to my company than compensation I receive from it. Such a lifestyle hurts both coming and going. I thought my choices were either keep my time for me and fret over things at work that were left undone or give up some of my time to get a little more work done and give myself some more peace of mind. Either way leads me to madness, and I've learned that is not the limit of my choice in the matter.
I thought it was a conscious choice for a person to put other gods before the Lord. I thought one would have to purposefully abandon Him to go after some other. Again, I was mistaken. Constant focus is apparently more a factor in reaching a goal than I realized. They say, "keep your eye on the ball" to connect with it more often. I say the same goes for life and eternity. It was not my intention to sacrifice my peace of mind when I set out to create a secure life for the future, yet I have less peace of mind now than when I began. This is because in searching for the best path ahead, I lost sight of my ultimate goal. My eyes have shifted because of trying to plan for and react to the unpredictable nature of life instead of forging ahead "with an eye single to the glory of God."
I'm choosing today to take a step closer to Walden; to take a deep breath and retrain my mind and spirit. I will take time to do the most important things and rest in the assurance that I get done all I can for Corporate America, even though I don't get all done. I'm still a responsible person; I am still loyal, dependable and all those other good things, but better still, I am putting first things first and letting go of what doesn't belong. This ol' Jukebox is going to get back to playing the classic 45's in the midst of the encircling MP3's and streaming audio. It's gonna be great!
No comments:
Post a Comment