No Other Gods Before Me

I'd like to echo my good friend, Jackie's, plea to Corporate America: Is it too late to ask you to release the hold you've taken upon my soul?  While it seems larger than life and more powerful than any one person, perhaps I have more strength than I realize to turn and forge a path to simpler times.

I am a responsible person, for the most part.  I'm imperfect yet perfectionistic.  I am loyal where there is no reciprocity.  I'd rather break my own heart than be the cause of someone else's heartbreak.  I spend less than I earn and saving is second nature to me.  I do my best to speak the truth in love.  I know no other way to live that isn't madness.  However, the way I live is driving me to lunacy.  I must come to know a better way.

The first of the ten (10) commandments the Lord wrote on Moses' stone tablets was, "Thou shalt have no other Gods before me."  I never wanted to be a part of Corporate America.  I lack the desire and I would like nothing more than to avoid ladder-climbing competition with others.  I thought I might someday become a small-time receptionist because my mom worked as one for several years.  I honestly thought I would be married by age nineteen or twenty and I would spend my days as a mother and wife.  I wanted that life, not this life.

Because "that" life did not happen as I expected it would, I have been given many opportunities.  Some I wanted but never expected and some I neither asked for nor thought would ever come to pass.  This is the essence of life.  Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.  With every choice, there comes a consequence.  Because I have had to make choices that came in a part of life I never thought I would experience, I don't believe I have done as well as I could have.

I initially moved forward in the single, corporate world I live in only because I thought of it as an investment for the future.  Unexpected things happen in life and I could lose my husband (I'm for sure getting one, right?) and find myself in need of supporting myself and a family.  I wanted education and experience that would enable me to do so without having to seek out several minimum-wage jobs at once.  With that in mind, I took those steps into the corporate world of which I never wanted to be a part.

I am a very dedicated person and I own my responsibilities.  I work to accomplish the goal because I have a deep sense of dependability - I don't want to let down those who depend on me to get something done.  It is this character trait, probably above all others, that has gotten me to where I am; in both the good sense and bad.  I benefit from a secure job in these times of economic hardship, however, I am suffering from a deeper sense of obligation toward my job than to taking care of myself.

This week, I probably put in 50+ hours of work, including at least 7 hours at the office on my usual day off.  Two days in a row, I arrived earlier and left later than anyone else in my department.  It has gotten to the point where my coworkers tell me when it's time for me to go home; they count down the minutes.  I rarely go when the timer is up.  This may be small beans compared to others, but I'm my only real competition, so let them do as they will.

I used to think that it all came out in the wash because where I spent a few extra hours here, I would shave off a couple there.  I realized last night and today that I have been wrong.  I sacrifice more of my personal time to my company than compensation I receive from it.  Such a lifestyle hurts both coming and going.  I thought my choices were either keep my time for me and fret over things at work that were left undone or give up some of my time to get a little more work done and give myself some more peace of mind.  Either way leads me to madness, and I've learned that is not the limit of my choice in the matter.

I thought it was a conscious choice for a person to put other gods before the Lord.  I thought one would have to purposefully abandon Him to go after some other.  Again, I was mistaken. Constant focus is apparently more a factor in reaching a goal than I realized.  They say, "keep your eye on the ball" to connect with it more often.  I say the same goes for life and eternity.  It was not my intention to sacrifice my peace of mind when I set out to create a secure life for the future, yet I have less peace of mind now than when I began.  This is because in searching for the best path ahead, I lost sight of my ultimate goal.  My eyes have shifted because of trying to plan for and react to the unpredictable nature of life instead of forging ahead "with an eye single to the glory of God."

I'm choosing today to take a step closer to Walden; to take a deep breath and retrain my mind and spirit.  I will take time to do the most important things and rest in the assurance that I get done all I can for Corporate America, even though I don't get all done.  I'm still a responsible person; I am still loyal, dependable and all those other good things, but better still, I am putting first things first and letting go of what doesn't belong.  This ol' Jukebox is going to get back to playing the classic 45's in the midst of the encircling MP3's and streaming audio.  It's gonna be great!

'Til it's Gone

I'm sure you've heard the phrase, "you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone." Well, I don't know that it's always true, but that's where another great saying comes in: "how can I miss you if you won't go away?!" Moral of the story is that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Wow. That's a lot of cliche for one paragraph! I've just been thinking about my busy, busy schedule for the musical production I'm in. I've had rehearsal at least 4 times a week for the past three weeks or so, and this week I haven't got a single rehearsal I need to be to. In a way it's refreshing, but I've got this fabulous enthusiasm going on, and I don't want to lose it. I suppose it will be a good time for me to do some personal upkeep on what I've learned as well as have some evening time free for.... well, you know. Not that anything out of the ordinary ladies' night out will happen, but you've got to make yourself available now and then or you won't have a leg to stand on when you decide to complain about your lack of social life. Ha, ha.

I never thought I would say this outloud, but we've been getting some dispute stuff in at work, and I have to admit that I missed the court documents. I hadn't realized how much I've missed working in litigation until I've been away and then gotten some in my li'l hands and felt how comfortable I was with it. It was a little bit like coming home and breathing easier because you know you're familiar with how it all comes together. Anyway - I'm not a litigious person... really. I just like to manage litigious people!! He, he, he.

Anyway, I suppose this has illustrated my first point. Many things come and go, and it's hard to know just how well we're doing with it around until it's gone, we have a new set of things to deal with and then we get a little taste of that back. I wish I could have a little more of a taste of other things I miss. I'll have to be patient with that, though. Time was man-made, but I doubt it can be man-destroyed. The more you fight against it, the more you lose and waste away.

Time is something by which we plan and execute our agenda, yet while it moves along it does so without one.