So, I've decided just this evening that I'm fighting the jealousy bug. It's probably because I'm dissatisfied with work right now. I've been dissatisfied, I think, for about a month - at least to the extent I feel blecht just thinking about having to go in another day to face it all.
I had a discussion with one of the attorneys this afternoon. I feel bad because she just started working at our company and for some reason she has become my back-up server. . . the place I download frustration. . . the place I lay it all out. She's stressed, and I don't think my brutal honesty during our discussions really helps her keep herself afloat. It's hard for me to realize that I could be serving for her as a millstone 'round the neck. I don't want her to drown. I've been drowning. It's not fun.
Do you think a person could ever die of suffocation by workload overload? That, even when they are capable of doing everything required to get the job done, they could drown in the rising tide of negativity and criticism thrown their way? I think I'm understanding how the great horse Artex felt as he sank deeper and deeper into the quicksand and even the pleading of his dear warrior friend, Atrayu, couldn't give him the strength to fight the Nothing and live. Negativity is a toxic substance.
Criticism from co-workers is tolerable now and then, when you make a mistake or step on toes. What does one do, however, when faced with what seems to be constant drag from entire departments at a time? How do you refrain from taking it personally when you receive verbal accolades from your direct superiors over how "indispensible you are to the team," yet a co-worker gets all the opportunities handed to them that you think you could have really enjoyed had it been offered to you? That your education and work in the field apparently doesn't match a seemingly less-qualified co-worker who seems to cruise through things with the speed of the Tasmanian Devil with less attention to detail than you think wise? Apparently your desire to learn and preparation to persist in this CAREER is not enough to allow you to take advantage of great education opportunities in other states - you have to look for the cheap things close to home in order to participate? Is it because I'm young? Is it because I work to glean something good from slim pickings and barren wastelands, or as my 6th grade teacher put it, I can learn in any environment?
Why must the low-maintenance/self-maintaining suffer? Why is it that the good child gets neglected? Is that their lot in life? Is it only the squeaky wheel that gets the grease, or can a functional machine get a routine oil treatment on a regular basis?
How do you fight the urge to yell at them all that they must not understand how demeaning it can be to receive such unsolicited compliments (that may or may not be totally accurate) and see that the things they praise you for have somehow put up a forcefield around you against further opportunity? Do I really seem that fragile? Maybe I have been within the past month.
That's really frustrating. I'm unhappy. It's obvious that I'm also being very selfish right now. I'm sick of hiding it. I'm sick of being it. Perhaps I need a vacation somewhere fantastic where I can decompress and rejuvenate. Would it be worse to come back afterward to heaps of the sludge that's dragging me down right now? Would the vacation be worth it? How does one take a vacation away from taking thought for tomorrow? Where can I find that balm I so desperately need?
These, and more questions may be answered in our next episode of "Me, Myself and I". . . . There really is a lot to be thankful for.
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