And So It Goes - Thorns and All

So, I recently listened to a song by Billy Joel that I first heard performed by the King's Singers - and I prefer their version to this day. It's called And So It Goes:

In every heart, there is a room;
a sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
until a new one comes along.
I spoke to you in cautious tones.
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much.
My silence is my self-defense.
And every time I've held a rose,
it seems I only felt the thorns.
And so it goes, and so it goes,
and so will you soon I suppose.
But if my silence made you leave,
then that would be my worst mistake
So, I will share this room with you
and you can have this heart to break.
And this is why my eyes are closed.
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes,
and you're the only one who knows.
So, I will choose to be with you -
that's if the choice were mine to make,
But you can make decisions too,
and you can have this heart to break.
And so it goes, and so it goes,
and you're the only one who knows.

This song is one that always penetrates my heart deeply. I am a person who loves fiercely, though not in a fierce manner. I feel my deepest emotions rather privately until I believe the other person is reciprocating, then I begin to open this sanctuary a little bit at a time to whatever comes. I have felt the sharp prick of love's thorns. I know that others have the right and responsibility to make their own decisions, and that is what creates the danger in loving. To be honest, I am very cautious when bearing my heart in complete vulnerability - maybe too cautious. I can't say that I have ever been "out there" completely, but I have felt - more often than not, actually - the hurt of a willing heart that extends itself only to receive the greeting of a back turned and the possibility of reciprocal love abandoned.

At first, I thought this was creating in me a caloused heart; something that would inevitably become mechanical in extending to a man and never truly open up out of learned expectation of rejection. Afterall, machines can't get hurt; they don't have feelings. I'm discovering that I cannot have a robotic heart because to be unfeeling in one part would bleed into the other parts and poison all of the beautiful love in my life.

Just because I have no "significant other" doesn't mean I have a loveless existence. I enjoy more love than many in the world - I receive so much from my amazing family. If ever there was a soft spot in me, my family is it. I can't imagine fighting with my siblings (now that we're grown, anyway - I have too many memories of passionate brawls to believe we've always been without argument.) I could never NOT talk to a family member because they did or said something I didn't agree with or that hurt me. I can't think of anything I could do that would make them disown me or look down upon me or vice versa. I have been blessed far beyond merit in the familial department.

I think, for the time-being, God and my family will hold the most fleshy and vulnerable piece(s) of my heart. I have comfort in that. Perhaps someday, there will come a man with whom I can share my whole heart and he can share his with me - forever. But until then, I'm grateful that I have been given the opportunity to have my eyes opened, to hold a few roses and recognize various thorns without becoming an embittered person.